[Law and Order theme song] [theme still playing] What’s this show about? Oh, it’s about rape. Ok! [more theme song] [theme still playing] Michelle Obama: Wow Ethan, great moves! Keep it up! Proud of you. [theme song, typing on keyboard] [end of theme song] What’s this? Created by Dick Wolf? Well, you know a show’s gonna be good when you got a guy – when the man behind the curtain’s name is Dick Wolf. And who could forget his accomplice, Co-Producer, Speed Weed. CAN WE GET SOME EMMYS FOR DICK WOLF AND SPEED WEED?!? [discontented coughs] Yeah, which episode? The one about the, uh… The ga- , uh, the rape. That’s every ep-, every show-, every episode’s about rape dude. Ok, well, whatever, they’re all good, just get – look the guy’s name is Speed Weed. Ok? He needs an award. Can we get some Emmys over here? SEAN? CAN YOU BRING THE EMMYS DUDE? [gaming noises] Ice T: DAMN! Ice T: Kill ’em, damn campers! that blonde lady: What’s a camper? Ice T: They usually creep to the side behind stuff, don’t engage. Ice T: Waiting for you to run by and then shoot you in the back. Ice T: They’re all pieces of crap! Ethan: It’s a little, f-, it’s a little kid, dude! His dad’s just chillin’ there, having a good time Ice T! [imitating Ice T] Imma kill you! Imma kill you, kid! handsome black man: Wanna give it a try? handsome black man: [using a funny voice] Virtual reality! that blonde lady: [condescendingly] Virtual reality? handsome black man: It’s like you’re actually inside of the game. generic male actor: [scoffs] [more generic scoffing] [scoffing again] Ethan: [imitates scoffing] I like how all these characters are just so disgusted by all gamer culture. [imitates scoff] [imitating handsome black man] Virtual reality! It’s like you’re inside the game! Isn’t that cool? [imitates scoff] [generic male actor scoffs again] [Ethan scoffs twice] [imitating generic male actor] Virtual reality? [scoffs] Come on! Meanwhile, you know this guy’s got, like, one of these fffffucking crazy Japanese jerk-off… Virtual reality fetish machines at home. He’s got, like, both of his legs suspended… He’s got like a fleshlight hooked up. Just fucking machine, he’s there, fucking all these anime characters. [imitating generic male actor] Virtual reality? [scoffs] Meanwhile, he’s thinking about at home on his, fucking, like AAAAGGGGHH YEAAAH! FUCKIN’ YEAAH [licking sounds] You know that’s what’s going on here guys, let’s be real. generic male actor: [scoffs, but layered just a few times] WHY’D YOU GO TO THIS CONVENTION?!? [unhappy coughing] YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY AREN’T INTERESTED IN THESE PEOPLES’ HOBBY, YOU JUST GO THERE TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE?!? generic male actor: [scoffs] YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ADULTS, DUDE! WHO’S THE KID? This show’s twisted, man. Fuck this guy. I hope you go balding soon. This guy loves his fucking hair. Fuck you, I hope you lose your hair. And then – and then when you come up to me and say “Hey, I got this new, this new- -hair restoration oil, isn’t that great?” [a really wet scoff] FUCK YOUR BALD HEAD, BITCH! Tobuscuit: He’s down to a side arm as we see quickfire is currently in the lead. What the fuck? Is that… Is that Tobiscus? That guy from Youtube? Tobuscuit: Let’s give him a chant! [chanting] That guy, he does those “trapped in” videos. I guess this is the version of him trapped in a show that berates and belittles the community that, that uh, he was built upon. Oh, that’s a really good idea Tobuscus! Help me! I’m trapped in this show that, that subje- that makes my own community base look like a punch of violent criminals and sex offenders! Aaaah! Help me! Tobuscuit: Volts are catching up pretty fast. You guy’s fans of lightening volts? [everyone cheers] Now he loves it. Make up your fucking mind, asshole. [chanting, girl shouting in terror, thumping sounds] Rape her! Rape her! Rape her! Oh, I mean, I mean do it! Do it! Do it! [silly music] [Benny Hill – Yakety Sax] that blonde lady: What happened? assaulted girl: These guys. They just – they just can’t stand women in gaming [dramatic music] that blonde lady: What did they do to you? assaulted girl: They leveled up. [more ultra-spooky music] Hila: What happened to you? They leveled up. Hila: W-what do you mean? They leveled up. Hila: What are you talking about? They leveled up. Can I get my fucking Emmy now, please? I mean, come on! Is this a beautiful shot or what? Did we do it better? We did it better! Get leveled up, son! [Ethan turn on the sink] Guess what? It’s not even blood [smacks lips]. It’s ketchup. OOOOOOOOOOH!!! WHERE’S MY EMMYYYYYY!?!?! [dramatic music] I like how they pan to her face like she knows what the fuck she’s talking about. Meanwhile she’s asking Ice T what everything means. She goes “they leveled up” and she’s just like [somber voice] Oh fuck, I completely understand what happened to you. assaulted girl: They were, like, young, um… They were white, but pale. Like, kinda skinny. Ice T: That’s 80% of the crowd Phhht! Really? Not you though, Ice T, right? You’re fat and black. And old. [imitating Ice T] That’s 80% of the crowd 80% dawg? You wanna reevaluate that statistic Ice T? Bust out your own gut. Let’s go gut-to-gut and talk 80% of gamers are pasty and white and, and skinny! Pasty white? Yeah, I fill the bill. But skinny? Please! Please! Please dude! You know what I’m talking about Ice T clipboard lady: You can choose how you play. You can wage peace or war. Have a patriarchy or a matriarchy clipboard lady: Be eco-conscious or industrialized. Ice T: I know. I read it on Kotaku that it’s better than Civ 5 with the Brave New World Expansion Pack [giggling] Why would you say that? Ice T, what happened to you dude? How did you come to this, man? [rapping] OG, original gangster You tell me you played Civ 5 WITH THE BRAVE NEW WORLD EXPANSION PACK?!?!?!?!?! WOOOAH DUDE!!!!! YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!! WOW ICE T’S A GAMER!!! [generic male actor scoffs again] some cop: And she got doxxed an hour ago. Ice T: That’s how they knew this address. blonde lady: And where – where was that posted? some cop: A subthread on Redchat. Ice T: Ok, that subthread – I’m gonna need the link. That subthread? I’mma need the link. He’s like [imitating cop] Well… it’s like… It’s just on the internet dude, I mean it’s not, like, secret [assertive voice] I’mma need that link, ok? ‘Cuz I’m tech-savvy, I play video games, ya damn camper!!! Ok? And I’mma need that link. To that subthread on 8chan-fortune-gag??? [imitating the cop] Yeah, I’ll just, here, it’s right here, dude, it’s right here. [assertive voice] I’mma need that link! I’mma need you to take a photocopy and fax that link to me! Ok? blonde lady: Here’s another one of his threads. masked rapist: That slut Rena deserves all the pain that’s coming to her. The fuck, man? He’s like, what, gamers are Isis now? They’re in a basement with hoodies and a black and white flag resembling Isis. Ok guys, a-all jokes and goofing aside here, it’s a little, maybe we went a little bit too far here. [70s tv show voice] Here we go Fonz, I’m heading for the ramp! Are you sure you wanna do it? You know, hey, you guys are the Emmy award winning writers, so who am I to judge Dick Wolf and Speed Weed but? girl tied down: [crying] Please don’t do this! Check out these knockers, huh guys? [crude licking noise] Yeeeah! WooOoOOoOoO! I’m a terrorist! Check out these titties boi! Yeeeeah! girl tied down: [gasping and sobbing in terror] Ice T: Level completed. This is a game to them. I can’t – I can’t do this Hila I need to… I need to take a break I can’t w- I need to take a break. I can’t watch this right now. I need… Just give me ten minutes Hila. [loud, with video game sounds] DIE FUCKING GAMER GIIIIIIRL!!!! FUCKING CAMPER!!! I WANNA KILL PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE!!! [enraged coughing] KILL OR BE SLAUGHTERED DUUUUUDE!!!! KILL OR BE FUCKING SLAUGHTEEEEEEERED!!! Alright, I feel much better now. I took a little ten minute break and I just, you know, unwound a little bit and I feel much more relaxed and able to deal with this ridiculous, ridiculous, unrealistic show. gun guy: All for that skank Rena. Isn’t being a whore a crime? You should arrest HER!!! blonde lady: Drop your gun. gun guy: Shut up, bitch!
guy on ground: You’re just like Rena. Is it just me or do these guys have problems with females? gun guy: She took away the one thing we had. What the fuck, Ice T, you camping bitch! Ya fucking camper! [lady] So 20 years of gaming or whatever you do with that controller finally paid off. Whatever you do with that controller. Phhht! Phhht, whatever you do with that controller! [slow mo scoff] beaten girl: Women in gaming… What did I expect? Sssssshit. That’s…. That’s brutal. Women out there who think about playing video games; Cautionary tale, ok? ‘Cuz there’s a good chance, I mean, I mean, not a hundred percent, but like probably fifty-fifty. That you’re gonna get r- you’re probably gonna get raped, kidnapped, and maybe murdered. Maybe a little bit murder. It’s not a hundred percent, ok. We’re not fear-mongers. We’re not saying it’s gonna happen. But all we’re saying is that YEAH IT’S PROBABLY GONNA HAPPEN. “Women in gaming? What did I expect?” I brought- I kinda brought this on myself. When I went to gaming I thought you know yeah, you know what I’m probably gonna get raped, ok, so I can’t be too upset about it. But, you know, what did I expect? [Law and Order theme song] An unoriginal [trumpet] hehe! productiooooon